Slices of Life, by Jill Pertler
Hey everybody! Hiya! Glad to see you! It’s me, the dog. Wag. Wag.
Excuse my tail. It’s always knocking things over. I can’t help myself. I get so happy and when I get happy my tail sort of takes on a life of its own.
I’ve wanted to share my viewpoint on some issues, but the two cats I live with don’t allow me access to the computer. They say I slobber all over the keyboard. What do they know? They’re felines, nothing more than felines.
Shhh! I think I hear one of them coming. I don’t want to get caught. Their claws are sharp.
Speaking of things getting caught … I love playing FETCH! OUTSIDE … with my BALL! Loveit. Loveit. Loveit!
Oops, I got a little sidetracked and my tail almost took out a framed photograph of the cats. Sorry about that. You aren’t mad at me, are you? I can feel my ears and tail drooping at the thought of upsetting a human with my behavior. If I could, I’d be invisible right now. I’m sorry. Really, really, really sorry.
Remind me, what did I do? I forget. Did I make a mess again? Forgive me? Please?
It’s in my nature to want to make you happy. I LOVE humans! My tail’s wagging just thinking about humans. I love when my master pats me on the head. I love when he takes me for walks.
I love when he scratches my tummy. I love when he says my name. I love when he looks at me. I love when he walks into the room. I especially love sniffing his socks. I love him SO much! Best of all, my humans give me FOOD! I LOVE FOOD! Loving food is almost as good as loving humans. Almost.
Cats, on the other paw, are difficult to love. Believe me, I’ve given them my best canine effort. I try playing with them by chasing them around the house, but all they do is hide under the furniture and snarl. Then they call me a smelly old dog when I roll in a beautiful pile of poo I found in the backyard.
I don’t stink, do I?
I wouldn’t mind sharing my house with the cats, if we were on equal ground. I am the loyal one. I am kind. I am filled with canine integrity. I LOVE my humans and am not afraid to show it.
The cats are none of these things, yet they enjoy privileges I can only dream about. (And I do dream, by the way.) The cats prance around like they own the place (rumor is they do). They jump up on tables and countertops and look down their noses at me. They enjoy the benefits of an indoor bathroom and have even figured out a scheme to get the humans to clean it. They sleep on the furniture, not on the floor under the bed. They never, ever get in trouble for eating garbage or dragging their hind end on the carpet.
What am I supposed to do when I need to scratch an itch?
With the cats around, I get no respect. Growl. If I weren’t so devoted to my humans, I’d help my cats get rid of a few of their nine lives, if you catch my drift. Woof. Woof.
Unfortunately, that idea wouldn’t be pleasing to my humans. It’s quite mysterious, but for whatever baffling and unfathomable reasons, the humans display tremendous affection for the cats. I think the cats have put the humans under an evil spell, but I’m not sure.
To be honest, my cats scare me. So, I let them drink out of my water dish and mistreat me in any way they can. Of course this is all part of my grand plan, which I will let you in on as soon as I think of it.
Hey … TREAT!
Did you hear someone say TREAT? I thought I did, but I’m never sure. The old ears aren’t what they used to be. It could be the cats. They are always playing tricks on me. I better go check to be sure. Wouldn’t want to miss out on a TREAT! Did I mention I love TREATS? Wag. Wag.
Oh darn. There goes my tail again ….
Jill Pertler is an award-winning syndicated columnist and author of The Do-It-Yourselfer’s Guide to Self-Syndication” Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org; or visit her website at http://marketing-by-design.home.mchsi.com/.